Washington (WWN) 05/27/2003 -- In an unprecidented move, the Nobel Peace Prize panel approved last week in a unanimous vote to give a Homonid simply known as "Monkey Boy" the coveted award. The scientific community is left shocked and dismayed as many potential recipients began rioting across the globe, leaving many laboratories in ruins.
The ape-man devised a completely new unified theory, a clear sign of advance tool use. The amazingly simple theory has opened up new realms of science previously thought unattainable. Distant space travel is now considered an easy step that may cost NASA and other groups a fraction of the price of current shuttle launches. Genetically modified crops are now far healthier than their natural-grown counterparts and can be grown in any soil with little work. The benefits go on and on, which is thought to be the precise reasoning behind the award move.
Many appeals are expected to be flooding the NPP offices in the coming weeks. However, many believe the move have vastly undermined the group's legitimacy. Government bail outs are assumed to be underway.
Police Blotter (Morris County) 07/09/2003 -- An all-points-bulletin has been released for any information leading to the capture of a man known only by the alias "Monkey Boy". He is believed to armed and very dangerous. If necessary, approach with extreme caution.
The man is wanted for questioning regarding the controversy involving the Nobel Prize Consortium. Claims that the suspect won the prize has plummeted the entire scientific community into a chaotic and anarchic state thus crippling many industries and the progress of society as a whole. The damages believed to have been incurred are estimated to be in the hundreds of billions ($US). Any information used in the apprehension of the suspect will be rewarded with a monetary prize or amnesty from any Level 2 or less crime or misdemeanor. At this time that does not include corporate piracy. For the information hotline please dial 1-888-I-SNITCH.
Memphis Police Station 03/19/2004 -- Just in off the wire, fugitive-at-large C.W. Pratt AKA Monkey-Boy has been hunted down and detained by our wonderful boys-in-blue! The suspect had been on the lam for at least 3 fortnights running township to village living the life of a sewer rat; hiding in attics, eating bread crumbs and drinking bath-tub gin. Horace P. Whitaker, the Chief-of-Police in Memphis County, had this statement to release to the press:
"At this juncture, the world can sleep soundly knowing the sadistic 'Monkey Boy' has been apprehended. Luckily the authorities surprised the suspect who was relieving him-self in the city park's drinking fountain. Unfortunately it was in the White's fountain, so we have temporarily sequestered the Black's fountain for the Whites during this time. The Blacks can use the duck pond until service is restored."
The trial is set to take place at mid-summer's eve in the county courthouse and is expected to draw massive crowds well in to the dozens. To avoid any potential misbehavior 43 police-men will be stationed around the perimeter armed with water cannons and dogs.
U.S. Supreme Court 06/02/2004 -- In a shocking move purported by some to be the worst legal move in history, the defendant in the Pratt v. Nobel Prize Consortium case has hired and then consequentially fired the highest profile team of mega-lawyers since the landmark OJ case in 1996. Mr. Pratt approached the well-seasoned team at Binder, Blinder & Blunderstein to defend him in what is a potentially unwinnable case. While most lawyers would scoff at his request, these über-lawyers have more tricks up their cloak sleeves than David Copperfield's wizard-like attorneys. After many hours preparing their opening arguments, Pratt stormed in to their downtown office - witnesses claim he was inebriated - and in a slurring, shrieking voice proclaimed his innocence. He then went on to proclaim several times with eye-lids half shut: "I DON'T NEED YOU!! YOU DON'T MAKE ME WIN! I COULD!!"
The legal firm then presented Pratt with a substantial bill and another lawsuit for slander and libel. This secondary case will be brought before a superior judge once the initial suit is underway. The very real possibility that the defendant will be buried in court dates and legal fees for several decades seems not to phase the unflappable Mr. Pratt, who had only this to say: "My day of reckoning will come! Hopefully I won't be in jail at the time. Monkeys!"